This saying was posted for reflection on a Crohns/Colitis support forum that I belong to – “Patience: Accepting That Control Requires Self-Care”. I reflect on control as “taking my life back” which is not about control so much as it is about completely being OKAY with what is happening at any given moment. This is more about letting go of control, but I think our only control is how I respond to any life circumstance. EVERYTHING else, I believe, is NOT in my control, even though I might think it is. I am strengthening my relationship with God for the last two years which looks like the quality of patience. Patience to me is redirecting my focus from my thoughts, judgments, conditioning, emotions, and whatever other ego/personality stuff that is limited to this body/mind unit. I love and appreciate these aspects of myself very much because it makes up the experiences of the Danielle in the life. However, I am so much more than all of those things. I trust in Divine Consciousness and the qualities of being One with all that is. Patience to me is letting myself completely trust in THAT consciousness. Imagine a child falling back into the arms of their mother. That is the trust I speak of. It’s hard to put in words. The patience is also knowing that no matter what action I take in life, the Divine will continue to “roll out the red carpet for me”, as Alaya Dickinson, an awakened being says in her Satsang. I understand it to mean the Divine will keep coming for me to offer opportunities (whether comfortable or not) so that I may remember who I truly am – a Divine Light and caretaker of that Light.

Patience is something new for me to explore. I started sinking my teeth and bones into it during a Stillpoint Retreat in Waltham, Ma. where diving into the cosmic ocean is where it’s at. It is the mystic path. The mystic is one who sees the waves (individual consciousness) from the perspective of the Ocean (god consciousness). Faith and Patience are two things that are pillars for supporting our relationship with God. Faith is the trusting part. Patience is the knowing that no matter what, God will come for me and I can just live my life being who I am to the best that I know how. God coming for me is letting go of how I want or prefer life to be. I can just be myself and hold the Truth that all things in this Universe are God experiencing Himself as God. I don’t have to do anything. I can just BE who I am.

Let’s take a look at my process for a moment. Friday morning I finish my Kriya yoga sadhana and go into kitchen to make breakfast before I leave to meet a friend at 8am for P90X workout. I notice crumbs on the floor under my bare feet and decide to get the broom to sweep the kitchen but I’m not liking the dirty floor feeling. After turning the light on, I discover, for the second time since June, meal worms all over the freakin’ kitchen floor! DISGUSTING! So, I feel appalled and disgusted and sweep them up. It took me 45 minutes to clean them up and then my feet and hands, which I did over and over again because they kept coming out from under the cork tiled floors where there were little cracks. UGH! Needless to say, I did not make it to friend’s house for 8am P90X workout, as I cancelled and said I would do it at home alone today. Already, I was feeling slightly aggravated and definitely not wanting what was happening because I wanted to stick to my regular routine. The moment I recognized the emotions and how I was going about the situation, I asked, out loud mind you to the meal worms, “what are you here to teach me? Oh, so you are God as well, why is God showing up this way right now?” I immediately got, “this is your practice this morning…picking up meal worms.” Hmm…OKAY. So, I was taking responsibility, or the willingness to be respond, and chose to just pick up the meal worms until there were no more meal worms to pick up. At first, while I was doing it, I had a minor edge of emotional/mental upset. Then, once I saw the meal worms from a perspective of God Consciousness and asked myself, “Am I okay with this?” I realized, yeah, no big deal. I will tend to the meal worms, because this is God rolling out the red carpet for me. I remembered who I am and who all things are – God in form. Then, I felt hungry so I chose to not do the workout and ate a nice healthy breakfast feeling relaxed and at ease, because I realized that I was truly okay with the workout not happening the way it usually does or at all for that matter. I also knew that if I wanted to have a workout that I had time later in afternoon where I would have the opportunity if it were to present itself (which it did and I completed my workout).

The patience in this was in recognizing that God showed up as meal worms and I learned that it was okay to just tend to that experience because it was what was right in front of me at the moment. I was hungry afterwards so I ate a good breakfast which again was what showed up at the moment and I willingly addressed that. The patience was also in the process of letting go into what was happening and not what I preferred or was used to doing. This is living in the Presence…of what is. It is great for me to have a routine because it allows me to stay true to my intentions and desires to live in a healthy body/mind unit, which is part of living a healthy lifestyle. The snag is when I get stuck in the routine. Change happens and when I can be okay with whatever shows up at any given moment, this is the faith and the patience knowing that this too is God directing the show that I am playing in. This is not the Danielle show. I truly believe and trust that it is God’s show. I am honored to be part of it! All this is showing me that having patience and faith, I have the ability to accept or surrender to anything and everything.

This is just the beginning for me. I have had a success in stepping outside of myself so that I can gain perspective. Alaya talks about making little cracks so that more and more light can come in. I love that! It is like clarity. Things get more clearer which makes things less confusing. More of the Light within gets to shine outward. This is letting go of control and relaxing into what is showing up right in front of us. This is taking care of the Self! This is truly allowing God to experience whatever God wants, not what the Danielle person wants. This is a beautiful gift I can give God. So, I think I will sit back in patience, relaxing in trust, and enjoy the beauty of God’s show!

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Every moment is a new moment. In those precious moments there are opportunities that arise to be awake or asleep. Then, there is a choice. It shows up so fast sometimes that I do not notice. This is when I fall into the same routine of patterns, using those moments like they are not special, valuable, or important. Often, the case is that those moments in time and space I am unconsciously choosing to sleep through life. The auto-pilot light flicks on and boom, I am just “doing” what I “think” is best, like the “should or shouldn’t be’s”-syndrome. I would prefer to “be”, meaning opening into moment or awakening to The Presence, which I consider to be like the Buddhist concept of Emptiness. To walk in the state of being where what is natural occurs effortlessly and without the use of mind or distraction of the emotions, or sanskaras; impressions or old records.

I am watching like a witness more in my moments for those special opportunities to awaken into Presence and Be fully who I am and live from that place. This is the process of “Being in the world but not of it.” The longing for this experience is so strong that my heart aches for it. My heart aches for connection and unity with the Divine.

Tears awaken in my heart

Part of waking up is feeling. Feeling feelings. Feeling the tangible, present, body sensations – the tightening in the chest wall, the shallow breath, the shaky hands or limbs, the breaking open of the heart that makes you think you are going to die it hurts so bad. Feel it all. It is so damn painful to feel. I only just began to feel since being in a marriage with children. I had NO freakin’ idea how terribly hurtful, painful, damaging, and terrifying it would feel. I also had NO idea how deeply I could love and connect with another. I never felt this way before. I never stuck around long enough to actually FEEL. It was too much. It was overwhelming. As soon as the wanting or not wanting arose in my relationships (not only romantic, but mostly), I was gone. I ran from the experience and disengaged from the any and all sensations that came with it. That person no longer has a hold over me. In the present moments, I watch these experiences with compassion and as best as I know how, with gentleness. However, when I am in the fire of triggers and sanskaras, I often times am asleep or disconnect. I am running away still inside. Parts of me hurt too much to love and connect because they are overwhelmed with the idea or concept of not being good enough. So why not just sabotage the whole thing, because THAT is way better and couldn’t possibly be as painful. FUCK!!! This cycle happens time and time again. But, I keep breaking open to greater understanding of who I am, and the sanskaras are gripping less to my chest and gut. So, I continue to invite in the LIGHT of God and Truth and Consciousness and connecting with others who are on the path to awakening so that I may find my way to a STRONG FAITH of solid unity with the Divine rather than allowing the shadows of my past or fears of my future break me open leaving me shallow with remorse, shameful, and afraid to step into kindness and compassion for my human self and others. 

The Lord is my shephard I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: He leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul: He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; Thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. Though preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies. Though anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life; And I will dwell in the house of the lord forever. (KJV)

This is the Twenty-third Psalm. Three weeks ago I started attending an Edgar Cayce study group. This Psalm is read aloud at the end. I don’t know the New Testament much. Edgar Cayce used the teachings of Jesus (Christ Consciousness) in his psychic readings quite often I’m discovering. I am okay with it because I feel clear and solid with sacred scripture. Being on the path of mysticism has allowed me to recognize the Truth (as best as I can know) in many forms from East to West and all in between. I love this Psalm for the line that states, “I shall not want.” If I can be neutral in my desires as a human, I would imagine that experience to be a lot closer to that which is Reality of who I am. If I do not want, then I might be in a place where I have everything! I am so not there, and that’s okay. I don’t need to strive to be there either. I understand in my broken-heartness that the pain and suffering I experience in my life comes from the wanting and not wanting, or not accepting how things are; wishing and hoping things were different, or just surrendering to what is and being completely okay with it. I have but moments of awakening where I am not asleep and I feel and I accept what is and notice that although I would prefer things to be different, I am completely okay.  

“Only into the heart that is free from selfish love can there come a faith that will sustain in all conditions of life” Edgar Cayce (A Search for God Book 1)

I hold fast to faith knowing that one day I will have the know-how to surrender completely to God, realizing that I have no control and never have, and that God alone will and has always sustained me.

 

Each night before sleep, I read God Speaks by Meher Baba. It blows my mind, and completely breaks my heart open. After reading the section about Perfection, I was left with tears streaming down my face and a heart filled with the greatest Gratitude I have ever felt. This is the first time Meher has cracked me open and left me in greater awe than I have felt as of yet. My love and connection with God and the God-Man that was Meher is growing exponentially.  I love how I feel inside when I spend moments thinking and speaking about Meher, God, my Guru, and all other magnificent Masters.
I am so in love.
The days leading up to my Sadguru’s Maha Samadhi, over ten years ago, I felt very confused and deeply sad because I did not understand how my Baba; my Sadguru, a Perfect Master could be going through human suffering and death, and especially in a place like a nursing home. I grieved because I knew I would miss him. And moreso, because I did not know how to respond to his death and dying experience at all. In one moment Baba would respond to his devotees visiting, “I’m good.. I’m good…(and shaking his Hindu head)”, then the next moment with the hospice nurse he spoke of the pain he experienced. I was lost inside! I could not understand for the life of me what to do with any of it. That alone left me feeling so helpless.
Lost
In God Speaks, Meher describes the evolution of consciousness and the involution of consciousness. The other night I read a section Meher describes as the three states of Perfection:
The first type is known as “Kamil” — The Perfect One.
The second type is known as “Akmal” — The Most Perfect One.
The third type is known as “Mukammil” — The Supremely Perfect One.
Something begins to touch my heart as I digest the descriptions of this Pure Knowledge. Tears ran down my cheeks. As I kept wiping the water from my eyes, I felt a fullness come over and through my whole being.
My Heart opens
My Baba, my Guru began to awaken in my mind and heart with full strength. Memories flooded into me. I met my Guru when in my mid-twenties. When I realized He was my teacher, I was ready for the path of awakening. I was a good student. At the time, I felt I was doing everything I was supposed to do and be. Oh, how lost was I! I got up every morning at 5 am and practiced meditation (at the same location on my particular cushion), yogasanas, and pranayama. I chanted and read devotional texts and sacred scriptures. I did not miss a beat! Again, I thought I was doing everything I was supposed to to attain greater states of consciousness. What I understood later was that my attachment to any result was getting in the way and I was just merely following a regimented lifestyle. My heart was in the right place, but my mind was a little off. The practices were good for me nonetheless, but the attitude was not as pure as I thought it was. I was an ascetic yogi that needed waking up. The wake-up call began when Baba’s body became ill and needed extra care beyond what his family could offer day-to-day. It was his death and dying that really confused me and ultimately lead me to shutting down to some degree. I was sitting in the unknown. My entire yoga practice stopped. My personal relationship ended. My best friend and I got in a fight, then he eventually moved to Mexico, and after a short re-connection he died! This was devastating. I threw myself into my massage work. I began to be a fanatic with being so pure for the purpose of enlightenment. I practiced Saucha, the yoga Niyama, cleanliness.  I practiced raw veganism thinking this was the way, yet it ultimately aggravated my sensitive pitta/vata body to the point of internal bleeding and ulceration. I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis. I was wrecked. I was truly so far away from who I was and my focus was askew. I had never been so lost in all my life.
Lost
The fact is, I never stopped loving Baba. I could never! I just did not know how to feel or what to do with what happened when he died. I was truly lost inside. (I find it profound to meet spiritual people who have great faith and devotion to Jesus or other Masters who they had never met in the flesh) I had over 9 years sitting at Baba’s feet. I could touch him, laugh with him, eat pizza prasad with him every week (even when the pizza was not that great!), sing and chant with him, attend ceremonies and concerts with him, ask him questions, talk with him anytime, and even visit him at his home. What a gift! I was young and possibly did not realize how special that was. Could I have possibly taken it for granted?!  I have no time in my life for being hard on myself. Love is what matters most. It does not matter what happened in the past. All we have is this moment, right now. Or at least, this is what I have to say to myself or I will allow the old records to play and I will spiral down into a not-so-healthy space. I need to stay above water here and right now if I can tread the waters of being in the moment with gentleness and compassion then I am doing good.
I am so in love
So, back to what I am reading in God Speaks, the Perfect Master or Sadguru establishes himself in God but lives the life of God as God’s individual representative in Illusion. Meaning, they live a life of infinite knowledge, power and bliss, but uses these infinite aspects in the state of Perfection for those (us beings who are yet to be awake) who are still in Illusion. As Meher continues to explain, the Sadguru lives a dual role; that of “God and man.” Now, while there is a “knowingness” inside me that recognizes this Truth, I am somehow unable to put it in words, because I think, I am not living in this state. While I understand what Meher is expounding on, at the same time, there is something showing up inside which is giving rise to a greater feeling of understanding that goes back to when I was very confused during my Guru’s dying process. In my words, Baba was established in the Infinitude of Sat, Chit, Ananda – Truth, Consciousness, Bliss, while simultaneously in a human body which has karma to burn away still. Baba still lived in a human form while being, what I call, “enlightened.” The body is not Him. He was Sat-Chit-Ananda simultaneously while in a human body, which continues to experience body impressions of pain, suffering, weakness, and death.
Tears flowing
A light heart growing
Peace abides
Meher says, “Perfection does not belong to God as God, nor does it belong to man as man…. The finite being, who is conscious of his being finite, is obviously short of Perfection; but when he is conscious of his being one with the Infinite, he is Perfect…. Thus we have Perfection when the finite transcends its limits and realizes it’s Infinity, or when the Infinite gives up its supposed aloofness and becomes man; in both cases the finite and the Infinite do not stand outside each other. When there is a happy and conscious blending of the finite and the Infinite we have Perfection.”
Lost, no longer, am I
For God has awakened the Truth in me
I know now who you are
I am so in love
One time I visited Baba at his home. We sat quietly together without speaking for some moments. I looked into His eyes in another moment and I was suddenly struck with grief and began crying. He asked, “Why are you crying?” I knew deep inside that Baba had to know. I had learned from older devotees that he could read minds. So, what did he ask me this question? It made no sense to me. I looked at Baba and as if he was a crystal clear mirror, I saw a perfectly clear internal picture of myself, and all the unskillful experiences of my life. Overwhelming shame and remorse is what I felt at that moment which had led to tears. It was one moment in my life where being seen was the most painful experience ever.
Shame
My husband has asked this question in relation to certain Meher quotes and phrases. Like, why would someone who is God respond that way or say such a thing. Meher Baba talked about this. While being in the “I am God” experience, there is a state of “abiding-in” which is what Sufis often reference as “drunk in love”, I believe. They are so intoxicated by God’s love that all there is is God’s love. However, Meher shares that the One who experiences infinite knowledge and power while being drowned in infinite bliss can like and dislike, ask or reject, seem happy or angry; it is an automatic reflex action of which the One is unconscious, like the sound of snoring is to the fast-asleep man emitting it. Ramesh Balsekar, another Master teacher also speaks about awakened Consciousness and how one who is in this state responds. They are responding without volition, meaning they are responding from a place of Presence, or in the moment where One abides in pure Consciousness which is not from impressions of the mind or emotions; or sanskaras.
Drunk in love
Going back to my night of great understanding and deep gratitude to Meher and the Pure Knowledge He shares from God Speaks, I continue to revere Satchitananda, God Consciousness, Meher, and my Guru, Baba and his Guru, Ramlal. With tears of Joy, my heart is bowing to all that IS.  One of the three states of Perfection, “Kamil“,  The Perfect One, can spontaneously give conscious experience of the realization God to only one man, Meher explains. I was in a bit of shock when I read this, because this was the case of my Sadguru, Dr V.S. Rao. His Sadguru, Ramlal, held a special contest for all his yoga devotees. For the one aspirant who showed the most dedication and commitment, Ramlal would impart realization. Dr. V. S. Rao, My Baba won the contest! How fortunate was He and all who had the privilege and honor to sit with Him and receive His love, His Wisdom, His shaktipat(s).
I am so in love
I do not even know what to say or how to feel because all I know is that I am so in love. All that matters is this love I am experiencing within. It does not matter that I am human with imperfections anymore. It does not matter that I do not sit in meditation on the same cushion in the same spot at the exact most appropriate so-to-speak time. It does not matter that my Guru is not physically in a body where I can bow and touch his feet or go eat pizza prasad. It does not matter that I have Ulcerative Colitis because I know that I am pure in my God-Isness. It does not matter that I have not physically met Meher Baba (btw, HAPPY 124th BIRTHDAY MERWAN!!!!!) in this lifetime, because I know in my heart this love is real. 
All that I know
is Nothing
All that I LOVE
is Everything
What matters is Loving Everything
As Everything is God

It is a Truth, that all beings and all of Creation is One with the Consciousness of the Divine; with God. A strong statement, indeed. If you were to study and learn from all the great Saints, Sages, Mystics, and Avatars this is common knowledge. Knowledge, as in the wisdom or truth not attained by scholarly education.

I studied yoga teacher training at S-VYASA – Swami Vivekananda Yoga Anusandhana Samsthana Center in India back in 2001. We learned about the life of Swami Vivekananda, who was famous for coming to the Parliament of Religions in the west to speak about Spirituality. His opening address, “Sisters and Brothers of America, It fills my heart with joy unspeakable to rise in response to the warm and cordial welcome which you have given us. I thank you in the name of the most ancient order of monks in the world.” This got him a standing ovation immediately. Most people were not accustomed to being received as brothers and sisters; as One people. We are One in Divine Consciousness uniquely created to be an expression of God. All of creation exists to evolve their consciousness until they are free from suffering and to become their very nature which is the embodiment of the Divine.

Swami Vivekananda said, “Each soul is potentially Divine.” This is for all of us.

I knew from an early age the gift of being in the presence of a Divine soul such as: a Saint, Sage, or Master. I had opportunities to sit at the feet of several Master Teachers who I would also say are Saints. There is an energy that encompasses the experience. I remember each time I would anticipate being in the presence of my Guru when he was in body, I would think about questions that I wanted to ask him. Every single time I arrived in His presence I would completely forget that I had a question as if it never existed! And, every single time I would receive exactly the wisdom and insight from the discourse he gave which answered any and all questions I brought into my consciousness. Eventually, I let go of my desire to grasp and seek answers knowing full well that he knew what I needed and it would be given always. It is like being a child and having all your needs met even if you are unconscious of what your needs are, which is usually the case for a young child. It was a relief to know and trust that your needs were met as a child, and in the presence of my Guru. This trust is similar to faith in that letting go can happen because the Mystic, Saint, Sage, Master, or Avatar will and always is taking care of us; the whole of humanity and creation.

This leads into a topic that I have wanted to write about for a very long time. I am completely in love with the great Saints and Sages, and at the moment with Jesus of Nazareth and Avatar Meher Baba. The thing I value most in life is our evolution of consciousness. I am not one to read fiction often, if at all. It is a rare occasion and when I do it is pleasurable and entertaining. Since my early twenties, I have always read spiritual books about consciousness. My first book was recommended by a psychic who I had a reading with at a fair. It was the famous Buddhist book by Shunryu Suzuki, Zen Mind Beginner Mind. From there I studied more about Buddhism, meditation, yoga, Hinduism, and qigong. It was exciting and the catalyst to my spiritual journey. Mysticism, spirituality, the Saints and Sages of all times…these are most important to me, but also really valuable and equally important in my life is being authentic. In other words, being human. Being the best I can be in my human incarnation. This coincides with my other passion which is health and wellness. It was only year after beginning my spiritual journey of awakening to consciousness through the Eastern religions and spiritual practices that I was called to begin a career in massage therapy. Health and well-being was my thing, and probably became an obsession to some degree. (Extremes and obsessive compulsive behaviors have been common in my life that I work on regularly.)

There is a quote I read from a Christian Mystic in my early years – “Be in the world but not of it.” For the life of me, I cannot remember who said this. I thought it was Thomas Merton, but I don’t think it is him. It will come, and maybe someone will enlighten me with this knowledge. This quote is profound to me. I carry it like a torch to keep me awake to its wisdom daily in my life. I drink this wisdom into my being like it is immortal nectar. Most spiritual teachings and insights I consume like it is filling me, and really they fill my spiritual cup which keeps me going in this lifetime.

Alongside sharing my story, my passions, my loves, what I really want to share is about my experience of being in the Presence and how that is what heals me. Specifically, how I understand and perceive healing and how that relates to my greatest journey in life – healing from an autoimmune disease. What does healing look like? How is healing different for each individual? Is healing even possible? Is disease and illness a block to enlightenment or evolution to our consciousness? And so many more questions like this.

I am ready to share. I am ready to learn. I am ready to become even more vulnerable. I am ready to fail. I am ready to lose my shit. I am ready to be seen and to be heard. I am ready to dive into myself no knowing what that will look like or how that will feel. I am ready to love deeper than ever, and more than ever myself! I am ready to swim in the ocean of bliss and awaken to the present moment even more. I am ready to love GOD greater than I have ever known how. I am ready to give it all up and let go.

Healing is a process. I would like to convey that healing is not something that happens, but is a process which is happening. Healing means “to make whole.” What is it to be whole? From my perspective, whole is to be fully present in one’s complete Self (all parts of ourselves are present and connected). In the healing process, often times we discover that not all parts of ourselves are here. That may look like old pain or traumas that are buried so deep within that we do not even know they exist any longer. When I was a teenager, I remember feeling angry often. If you had met me in my 20s, I would have told you that anger was not an emotion that I was familiar with at all. As a 43 yr old, I can honestly tell you that anger was buried so deep that it was not even part of my life anymore, until now. Anger took the form of pain in my gut, pressure in my chest and throat, and constriction in my whole torso. Emotions and thoughts are fleeting, yes. However, they can eventually take physical form in the body if they are not allowed to integrate, thus allowing wholeness. In a way, meeting the anger means allowing it to be a part of you and gives way for healing to occur. Otherwise, you might be saying, “a part of me has left the building”…maybe, never to return, unless you call it back. This is more an energetic concept.

In my blogs, I’d like to address the process of healing in all ways that I have known healing. I might consider “healing” to be an entity that I reference as a being to make it more creative and fun, because healing can be horrifying and painful. It can feel hopeless. I would like to venture into many aspects of healing. A few ideas I have are: healing modalities, healers, what healing looks like, how others see healing, what does it mean to be healed, what works for one does not mean it works for all.

Health and healing is a path that I have walked for over 20 years. Most likely I have journeyed through many lifetimes of healing. It is a passion for me in my work and personal life. I desire for all beings to experience healing on some level, whether that be a change of perspective or ceasing the perpetual suffering that we put upon ourselves. It can be anything, as long as it is something that brings you closer to wholeness.

This blog is a new adventure for me. It is an honor to walk this Earth with all of creation. Let us all find our way to wholeness. Let us discover the path of the most healing virtue together as we become it – Love. May all our spirit guides, angels, archangels, teachers, elementals, animals, star beings, and all other beings willing and able to support this intention be present always for the Highest Good of all concerned. So be it! It is done!

I bow to you all. Namaste.